I never enjoyed actually having them all the time; at some moments, it made me squirm and feel vulnerable. Within the years of my never ending adulthood, I started to separate them more, discharging them when needed, not letting them get in the way of important things. It has been hard, and they keep giving me a hard time, but I'm happy to say I'm not the overly emotional and disastrous naive girl I was a few years ago. I can't call myself wise, but I understand the picture better now.
For starters, I've grown a liking to freedom. I used to be so stupidly jealous of anything, believing that people belonged to their only partners they'd choose once in their lives, and that's it. There and there, devotion and love would make the most rewarding of moments in one's life, and no way in hell none in the matter would have the heart to look to other ways.
Now I laugh at that stupidity.
Relationships are made out of partnership the most; love? that too, and I'm not saying it's not important. But the first one has more weight that the other one in my eyes now.
Also, nobody owns nobody, and it's a lie you only will have eyes for your one and only partner for life. Interesting things happen all the time; liking multiple people out of different things, different histories. Marriage is a lie; I for one know for sure that I won't ever get married. It's unrealistic.
Aging does things to a person. In my case, I've grown so much since the last time I wrote in here. I used to feel so guilty, being in a relationship and writting about other people that caught my eye, but I don't anymore. We both have grown, now that I think about it, and we both know we have feelings for other people too, even if some names are hard to admit to even ourselves alone.
I have nothing to hide anymore, and they are too easy to read sometimes. It hurts them, they try to hide some stuff from me when they think I'm not looking, but I know how it is, so I let them be.
I assure my love everytime, and ask if they want to talk about it. The answer is always no; some names are too mean.
Feelings are too mean. I get them so well. I've been over that stage, too.